lux arumque

college is hard.

crazy deadlines, graveyard shifts, and people at home begging me to come visit. (i will say, i am VERY excited to visit some friends this weekend).

among all the piles of homework, papers on tchaikovsky, pitch comparission, scale memorization, chord progressions, practice rooms, piano keys, and protocol - there is something that keeps me going.

what is it?

why do i keep going? what force drives me to wake up every morning and take on college?

is it God? the Holy Spirit? music? love? optimism?

i do not think it is one thing. i do not think it is a hundred things.

i believe it is the absolute soul and compassion of the waking heart that fuels your dreams. without the dreaming image - the foggy, narrow pathway - you cannot look for a light.

light. that is why i move on.

sailing A w a y . . .

today in my dreams class we practice our interpretive skills on a dream i had last night. here's the just of the dream:

i am driving along a coast to find a dock to chill out at. (i want to be alone).
the dock i find is a private one, and in order for me to leave i had to provide personal info about myself.
as i'm waiting for the approval to leave, a guy at the espresso stand (to my left) and i start talking.
he insists that i meet his wife because of our common interests in music (she is a voice teacher).
so there i am, waiting in his house for his wife to get out of a lesson.
i meet his kids, and start playing video games with them.
i meet his wife (whom i can barely make out the face).
its then time to go, so i leave.

what is interesting about this dream is that ALL of the characters are completely imaginative. i have never seen any of these people before in my life.

so in class, we talked about how this is mostly a metaphor for the college experience - i left home, looking for myself. what i have found is a family-like environment that i am comfortable with. we also discussed the issue of my imagination. apparently your psyche has different characters who, in a dream, will "introduce" you to unknown or unthought-of layers.

this blew my mind.

i'm here because i am looking to set sail on a new journey. at first i thought i would be doing this alone, but in fact i am within a family. i am comfortable here. i love it here. and wherever the wind takes me, i will have these people here to look to: i am not alone :)

an (un)common guest

"knock, knOCK, KNOCK!!"

"Who is it?"

"Your herhgkjthf"

"My what?!"

"Your heayfhdk"

"I don't know who you are. Go away."

"You do know who I am! You just haven't listened in a while!

"Why should I listen to a strange voice? My life is perfectly content the way it is."

"No it isn't. Everyday you ask yourself these deep questions about love, success, friendship, passion, and fear. But you just shove them to the back of your mind, hoping you won't have to answer to them."

"Yeah... so-"
     "SO! Now you have to answer to them."

"How?"

"Pay attention."

"Ok."

"Pay attention to me."

"Wait, who are you again?"

"Your heart."

a german guy eating chinese food and singing italian opera.

that's right.
the UC is serving Mongolian Beef!!

I had my second voice lesson with Charles Stephens this afternoon. It went really well! I am excited to be learning from this guy. He sings a lot of opera, and while opera isn't my favorite voicing style, he made it very interesting today.

He gave me a new piece, O DEL MIO AMATO BEN by S. Donaudy.

I believe the translation was written for a woman, but oh well!

This mongolian beef is really good.

Well, I'm off to MBR to practice my music before Ear Training!

Mi Amore!

h.e.r.o...

so for those out there looking for a window into my personal life, keep reading.

i love my best friend. he is my brother. we've been through so much together, accomplished great things, celebrated, fought, argued, and cared for each other for almost two years.

looking back, i realize how things have developed and changed over time. i understand we are both different people, coming from different backgrounds, and wanting new things.

and i believe it is because of these subtle differences that we can get arguing the most.

i overreact.

he underestimates.

but then its all over and we end up right where we started - everything's fine and dandy. no harm done.

if i had a sign that i could show the world, it would say how much i love my best friend. how much i care. how much i worry. how much i want to be a part of his life and lift him up every time he takes on the world.

he is a fantastic person.

and i doubt i would be alive today if it weren't for him.

woah. thats a bold statement. yeah, and its also very true. a long time ago there was a situation that conditionally paralyzed me from the ability to reach out for help. i couldn't open up to anyone.

except him.

so today i stand with the largest sign on my heart. God has answered my prayers and given me the brother i was born without. so here's to my bro:

the hero.
the lifesaver.
the younger one.
the best friend.
the listener.
the honest one.
the achiever.
the leader.
the partner in crime.
the teacher.

may our days be long together, because you're the reason i am who i am today.

late nights of cloudy skys

i'm up really late, and i love it.
there's something about being up this late - your mind seems to work in an exclusive way.

jokes are ten times as funny.
friends are a thousand times crazier.
the idea of sitting on your computer at 2:38am blogging about sitting on your computer at 2:38am is that  much cooler.

today was a great day:

my cousin Brandon came down from Whidbey Island to visit for the day. It was awesome! After showing him around campus, we headed to the mall and saw "Easy A". It rocked!!!

after that, my mom joined us for dinner in the university center. it was a great time to spend with family :)

so now we're hanging out in our hall's lobby. chill. good music. sweetness.

::::the light i shall seek::::

gods of sky speak a journey

of great truth and love they speak.

this is the light i shall seek:

there was a star whose light was faint
its glimmer reached:
tried
and failed.

i believe in this star
even when
i cannot see it's shine.

there was a maiden who could not speak
her song could not be heard:
not a sound
not a sound

i can hear the maiden sing
even when my ears
only hear the world.

there was a lake that was not clear
no reflection:
pure confusion
and murky water.

i shall seek the light of the star.
for it is not dim, it is only just growing.

i shall swim in the water

for it is not murky, it is abundant.

i shall sing the song of the maiden.
for she is not silent, her song is in the chamber of my heart.

gods of earth speak a journey
of great truth and love they speak.

this is the light i shall seek:

(!) off to the races..

if i have learned anything important about college lately, it is one simple truth:

this isn't high school anymore.

seems obvious, right?

well yeah.. until the reality sets in:

I have Bills to Pay.
I have a Calendar to Keep.
I don't have the same people around for Comfort.
I don't have my Best Friend there to talk to everyday.
This is different,
this is hard.

I wrote an essay for my Dreams class. Today was the draft-peer-edit. My comment from Dr. Seal left me incredibly confused. To paraphrase, he basically said "It looks good. It has potential to be great... how are you going to get it there?"

Ok, so pretty much I'm on My Own for this paper. Sweet.

I also realized that I don't have the same lifelines as in high school. i don't have the support from a mentor, i can't see my best friend all the time, and i miss my home stage.

its kind of strange, thinking that this is all hard and difficult. and yet, this is exactly what i wanted:
to move on
to grow
to meet new people
to win
to make a difference
to find the potentials of myself

the time is now, the race is started, and its a huge furlong before the finish line. may it be the best race i've ever run.

squirrels get hungry too.

there i was:

sunny day
clear sky
fresh air.
just walking back to hinderlie from my first class.

i approach the door: happy, confident, optimistic.

i hear a noise to my right... *rustle, rustle*

i look: garbage can.

think.
           *rustle* + garbage can = a half eaten sandwich is seeking revenge?

no.

a squirrel leaps out of the garbage can in my direction: shocked, horrified, freaked.

"AhHhHhHhH!!!"

i was told you should kick a garbage can before you throw something away so the squirrels run away. i didn't even stand a chance at this one.

it looks at me with those beady, black, hungry eyes and decides he will wait for a better opportunity to ambush me.

so it runs.

running away to a bush-like location where it can conspire to attack and eat me when i least expect it.

yes, they do. and yes, it WILL happen.

but i suppose i can't blame the poor squirrel. there are a ton of those buggers on campus, so it has to fight for food. so i wish the best for my little furry friend, and hope he doesn't try to kill me.

choral music educators will take over the world.

Lagerquist Concert Hall at Pacific Lutheran University

First day of University Chorale with Dr. Brian Galante:

AMAZING!!!!

i am speechless.

So far we are singing two pieces for a taste:

     Sanctus by Ola Gjeilo
     Let Nothing Ever Grieve Thee by Brahms

They are really cool. I am really excited for what this year has to bring and for all the awesome music! This is where I belong, and where I want to spend the rest of my life. Music is everything! :)

alrighty then...

ok so below are some of my poetic/lyrical works. Hope you enjoy!

I don't have class until later tomorrow, so I really don't see a reason for going to sleep...
whats going on, you ask?

well.

not much. hehe.

mostly reading for my "dreams" class. its a great class! i love learning about dreams. i think i'll use a blog as a dream journal eventually, and then do analysis on my dreams. if you want to learn more about dreams or how to interpret them, we can talk :). or i can recommend this book called a little course in dreams by robert bosnak. its really intriguing.

university chorale begins tomorrow with dr. galante. i'm SUPER excited! (by the way, i write in lower caps for a reason: 1. e.e. cummings is my favorite poet. 2. using lower case then allows the seldom use of upper case to be more dramatic, symbolic, and interesting).

current non-text book: water for elephants by sara gruen. second time reading the book, love it!

look forward to many posts of inspiration, provoking thought, music, and love!

our eyes into stars

who is this face that I see?
is it him?
is it me?

what is this darkness inside?
i feel the pain.
i start to cry...

who are You?!
faking all the words you say?
i can't believe your anger, you're running away

hide all your fears
deny all the scars

ashes turn to tears
and our eyes into stars

i can't believe you'd let go.
im sorry.
i can't be the writer of your books anymore...

scribbled p o e m s . . .

________________________________
Stars birth and burst from the bliss of your thirsty heart.
Waves crash to the sound of chill grasping your lungs.
Clouds devour the glistening light behind your drowning eyes.
Souls collide as the Sun evolves into the touch of our lips.
_________________________________

blank.
is a page that has been
forgotten. 
its words are
meaningless
without the 
eye to see or 
mouth to recite or 
ear to surround or 
soul to soak up or
heart 
to heal.

_________________________________

there was a life(less) Tree that once bore fruit of Go(o)d.
but it was abandoned
by the (m a n)tality of 
g r e e d, 
c o r r u p t i o n, 
and i n s a n i t y . . .

_________________________________

shakespeare writes of man
frost writes of nature
cummings writes of nonsense
sondheim writes of craziness
meyer writes like shit
brown writes of conspiracy
matthew writes of redemption
conrad writes of darkness
ellison writes of vision
perhaps, too, my heart will write of love.

my heart:to yours

I wrote this to be set and composed chorally... still working on that :p

sparkling waters

shining moon

waves leaping to shore

            These are the signs of my heart: to yours

flickering candle

misty cold meadow

an angel learning to soar

            These are the signs of my heart: to yours

breathe

            feel the sun lay gently on your cheek

dream

            I am here

            by your side

            take my hand

             the bright red horizon we shall seek…

O, awakening!

            when you open your eyes

            remember me:

sparkling waters

shining moon

flickering candle

misty cold meadow

my angel: I have learned to soar

            these are the signs of my heart: to yours

if i were a tree.

(originally posted on my facebook profile)

if i were a tree i would think it rude you thinking you could use me for fire.

if i were a tree i would not grow because you asked me to, nor would i give fruit because you want me to.

if i were a tree i would not share my secrets of peace, patience, kindness, or spirit.

i would tell you to go away.

if i were the ocean i could never let you sail your ships.

if i were the ocean i would crash my waves against you, and make you afraid of me.

if i were the ocean i would rage with anger for what you did.

i would tell you to go away.

if i were the sun i would burn your skin so you would remember me.

if i were the sun i would blind your eyes so you couldn't see my pain.

if i were the sun i would not shine for you.

i would tell you to go away.

but

if i were human i wouldn't ignore you as the tree does.

if i were human i wouldn't resist you as the ocean does.

if i were human i wouldn't be vengeful as the sun is.

if i were human i would cry.

i would forgive you.

i would ask you to stay with me.

-kameron jacobs august 2010

the first.

So this is my first blog post!


I think I'll be using this sight as an insight to the sight of my mind. Hmm... yeah, sounds good.


I titled it "Singing in the rain" for a few reasons:

• I am a Choral Music Education Major at Pacific Lutheran University. (I love to sing).
• I live in Washington State. (Its always raining).
• The idea behind "singing in the rain" is to enjoy life, no matter what the weather is. 

And that is why.

I'll be posting some poems and other thoughts here soon... hooray!